Well here it is, the last week before Chemo starts. I have been an
emotional roller coaster. Trying to make life as normal as possible for the boys has been a bit of a challenge because I am so nauseas and my thoughts are all over the place. Yes, my
husband will tell me to take the medication they gave me but NOPE, I refuse. If y'all knew what my teeth felt like you wouldn't either. So I deal with it as it comes and if it means I
move slower well I guess I will move slower. I have become and expert at throwing up and I do travel with bags now.
All the support I have received has been a bit overwhelming, but very appreciated. I am a super private person and yes I am writing about what is happening so you would only second guess that statement. But writing helps me let out my fears, anger and just frustration because I still do not feel sick.
On Thursday I get a HUGE surprise from my work, my boss (which I knew was coming over)she brought 2 of my managers from TX and FL all the way to ATL just to show my kids and I support. They showered my kids with gifts, which they were over the moon receiving. But the biggest gift in my eyes was the gift my boss gave me, she gave me a day with my kids at Snow Mountain (Stone Mountain if you do not live in ATL). We went Saturday which was freezing but you would of never known this by the way my kids played in the snow. This was amazing, my kids and I had such a blast and the smiles on their face is one I will always treasure. I will say my kids and I are not patient enough for golf but our 8 rounds were enough to make us skip the rest of the holes and go to the last hole. I can say none of us are going to be the next Tiger Woods. But during this time while my kids are playing on the tubes or in the snow I just kept thinking this is it, I'm not going to be able to go out in public so freely anymore and when I do I have to bring extra items to make sure I do not touch more than I have too. The tears started but I was able to control myself. Looking at their faces really brought the smile back which I totally needed.
Friday ----
What can I say, sometimes you just have to cry. After an amazing dinner with my co-workers, I woke up just reflecting on the day before. I was disappointed in the fact I couldn't be with everyone in STL but my boss and other 2 mgrs. made the night perfect. As I drop my son off at school I get notice that my chart had been updated. (if you are not a DR don't read these, they will totally freak you out) I start reading the results of the 3rd biopsy and see Hodgkin's and Non Hodgkin's listed in the result. It makes me start to panic and I just lose it. Poor Joshua, he takes my call and I am hysterical because now I think I have both cancers. After he tries to settle me down I go about my day but it just get more emotional.
Co-Pays $$$
Well I get a call from the DR office and they are talking about next year and how I need to pay my co- pay upfront in order to keep my treatments in my DR office and not have to go to the hospital to seek treatment. I start to freak out because who is going to have $2,500 at the beginning of the year, especially right after Christmas. The financial lady on the phone was absolutely AMAZING! One she let me just rant, I don't even know if I was really making sense but she just listened. She then tried to ease my fears by telling me she was going to apply for a grant to see if I qualified, this is all based on income (fingers crossed that I do qualify). I kept stressing that I do not want to leave my DR and she said I wouldn't leave my DR I just wouldn't receive treatment from him if the co-pay wasn't paid upfront.
So once again, I call my husband ( I know he gets tired of me calling him crying) but he once again doesn't let me off the phone until I calm down but again nausea kicked in and he had no choice at that moment but to let me go. I thought I had my composure but I didn't so I called my mom, (I needed to give Joshua a break) still crying and making no sense, she just listened. At that moment it was all I needed. I still don't know if what I said made any sense or if she could understand me but that is OK, I just needed an ear.
So here we are... 4 days away from my first treatment. I am calm but freaking out, some freak outs have to do with do I have everything I need for Christmas but most of it is the not knowing. Not knowing what to expect is killing me. I am mentally ready I think, but every time I start thinking too hard I start to tear up. I have a chemo bag put together, thanks to one of my clients it's a fashionable Roku backpack. I have placed all my document, puzzles, sanitizing items, and other essentials that I have read about that occupies you during treatment. So if I can ask one thing, that is to keep me in your thoughts come Friday. It's a big day but their is a big bonus, my dad will be with me.