To be honest I have been delaying this post. I have so many thoughts and emotions going on I wasn't sure I could actually write this. So here it is...
Well the day finally came, I was about to go and have my first chemo treatment. I woke up as normal but as the morning progressed I felt like I was walking into the death chamber. I ate oatmeal, thinking it would keep me full, but of course as we (dad and I) drove to the DR. I was already dry heaving.
We get to the DR. and it is time to draw blood, I was too freaked out to let her go through my port I asked for her to go through my arm. I met with the Dr. and of course not much had changed but my iron levels and weight. We have to watch my iron and my weight since I lost another 4 pounds in 2 weeks. So of course my dad has a watchful eye on my diet because we do not want them to have to take other measures to keep me nourished.
The time has come to start treatment. Internally I am freaking out but on the outside I am ready. They start the IV and 6 hours later we are done. I did have a few side affects to the medication, one being I broke out into hives. They were able to control them by giving me Benadryl which kicked in quick. It was the best cocktail without the drink, thank god my dad was there to drive. I can truly say that it was so boring but it was nice catching up with my dad.
The days after....
Day after chemo everything was normal, I was like I got this, my body didn't feel any different nor did I feel sick. Well that didn't last long...
Day 2 hit, wow talking about feeling yucky, yep sure did. My stomach had a pain that I just can't describe and I had no appetite, didn't want to drink, eat, nothing. But of course my dad kept trying and he made anything I requested. It took me 6 hours to eat a piece of toast, I never finished a whole drink but he kept trying. I finally gave in and slept most of the day.
Day 3 came and this was Christmas, I wanted so much to be in the moment but it was so hard when everything was such a fog. The kids were so excited about Christmas and I believe they got most of what they wanted. I just felt so bad because I couldn't be as excited as they were. Once everyone left I came home and slept all of Christmas away. Not at all the way you imagine spending a holiday but I guess cancer doesn't give you many options.
Mixed of emotions...
Here I am trying to be a cancer patient, mom and a wife. I can't seem to find a balance and I just want to lose my marbles. I want to be the mom that is involved but I have missed many things this past week. My son lost a close friend and I couldn't be by his side because it was to early to be exposed to extra germs. Christmas came and went and I could only give instructions between sleep on what I had planed for dinner. All I can say is thank you to Bodie and my dad for making an amazing dinner. As a wife I let my frustrations out on my husband and he has done nothing wrong. I just can't seem to be the person I once was and to take a step back is killing me.
I said I wouldn't let this disease rule me but it looks like it is. I just want to be "normal again" and this is just 1/2 of round 1. How am I supposed to handle 11 more sessions? I just don't know I have it in me.